Blessings

Just heard this song on the radio and couldn’t stop crying (yeah, I’m a cry baby these days. And apparently on a song posting kick).

It’s not really my “style” of song, and as I was listening to the beginning of the song, I was thinking how selfish our prayers can be. But as the song continued, the words started to make sense to me.

I’ve been on this journey in my faith, of questioning and doubting and wondering.  The older I get, the more pain I see.  I’ve never  had anything truly devastating happen in my own life (although we are possibly on the brink of it) but watching it happen to those I know and love, raises questions in my mind of God’s goodness and love for us.  I know that sounds awful and probably immature, but I think everyone has these doubts and questions sometime in their life; and  at some point (maybe multiple points) we have to seek out the answers.  We have to push through the pain and negative thinking and find out really who God is.

I think suffering is hard.  I don’t understand it.  I know it’s a reality.  I know that the Bible is full of stories of people that suffered and I find some solace in that.  But when I’m on the verge of possibly losing my home, or trying to figure out how to see the doctor without insurance, it’s a lot harder to remain hopeful.  The suffering I’ve encountered in my life so far, has brought me closer to the one who created me.  But it doesn’t start that way.  Unfortunately, I never  immediately default to trust and hope and joy. I seem to go through anger and sulking and doubt, and sometimes rage before I’m ready to chill out and learn something.

So, my thoughts are a big jumble right now and I’ll have to process through some of it in a private post before I let you all in on it.  :)

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