Life has a way of coming full circle.

Today was our first Sunday (back) at Calvary Christian Assembly.  We spent our first 8 years in ministry there. (And have been gone almost equally as long… 7 years.)  We were married there.  Our kids were born there (not literally, but you know what I mean).  We loved there.  We grew there.  We learned a lot there.  We’ve learned a lot since “there”.

And now we’re back.  I would be lying if I said this was an easy decision; that I knew it was God’s “will”.

It hasn’t been easy.  In fact, at first, I refused.  Flat out. Not that it was all up to me (but I love to think it is).  Both Tim and I weren’t “feeling” it.  We were wondering if we wanted to pursue ministry at all.  I’ll have to get into all of that in another blog.

But timing is a funny thing.  Aside from his stint at Zillow and odd side jobs; nothing, I mean nothing, has opened up for Tim. (Click here for a little more of the story.)  And we were beginning to wonder what in the world this meant for us.  Would we be able to keep our home?  Pay our bills?  Was Tim not “called” to ministry?

We’re in our mid thirties and life is not going as planned.  At all.

*I need to add at this point that we have the most amazing family and friends.  There are so many wonderful people in our lives, and there is not a chance that I would have made it through without them.  I’m blessed to have so many good girlfriends, moms, and sisters that have been there for me; unconditionally loving and listening.  On top of that support, we had people that anonymously gave money to us during this time.  I know it was more than one person as they came in different envelopes with different writing.  And we are beyond grateful for their generosity.  Every time I carried in an envelope, I was (and still am) overwhelmed that God, through very generous people, had once again provided for us.  One in particular stood out as they gave large amounts, numerous times… the pink envelope.  It’s hard for me to even put into words how thankful we are for those gifts.  They literally kept us in our home.  If you are reading this, please know how much you all blessed our family and taught our children wonderful lessons in generosity and God’s provision.  The kids are already talking about ways that they can “give back.”  Thank you.*

So, as I was saying, we were feeling a bit lost.

But I’m getting tired of typing, so to make a long post a little shorter, here’s the quick version:

We revisited (with the encouragement of Tim’s good friend Larry) the idea of Calvary and decided to pursue the opportunity that was available.

Hindsight is 20/20, or so the saying goes.  I can’t wait to look back and see what God was doing.

This morning was good.  The kids loved it.  Tim loved it.  And me?

I felt like we were right where we should be.

So sweet of him.

Then he said it reminds him of a middle aged princess.

A what?

A middle aged princess.

I told him that using the word “middle aged” is NEVER a compliment.  Even if it’s followed by the word “princess.”

And, for the record, 34 is NOT middle age.

*He told me later that the word he was looking for was medieval. That’s a little better.  Cheesy. But better.*

I love you Tim.

But there is still hope for my kids!

Guitar lessons start tomorrow.

First.  (And if you find my posts about my son offensive because they’re about anatomy, then read no further.)

We were sitting at dinner the other night and something smelled really bad.  I couldn’t figure out what it was.  Bad smells make me gag and I have this innate urge to find them. And clean them. With Lysol. Or Windex.  Or something really strong and deodorizing.  I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from and I was sniffing around trying to find it.

Isaac disappeared for a second and then came back.

While he was gone, he figured out what the smell was.

“It’s mine and Dad’s junk.” (And by “junk”, he didn’t mean “garbage.”)

What?! (I love how he threw Tim under the bus too.)

The funniest part was that he wasn’t trying to be funny.

Second.

There’s a song I’ve heard on the radio that’s kind of annoying and kind of catchy.  It’s by Afrojack and I should preface this by saying I NEVER get the lyrics right to songs. Ever.

Anyways, I only really know this one line: “I want you to take your birth control. Take your birth control. Take take your birth control.”  Which is totally weird, right?

Yes.

Because I just learned today that the lyrics (and title of the song, which I didn’t know but if I had, would have been a major clue) are:

“I want you to take over control. Take over control. Take take over control.”

I shouldn’t sing out loud anymore.

It’s not really my “style” of song, and as I was listening to the beginning of the song, I was thinking how selfish our prayers can be. But as the song continued, the words started to make sense to me.

I’ve been on this journey in my faith, of questioning and doubting and wondering.  The older I get, the more pain I see.  I’ve never  had anything truly devastating happen in my own life (although we are possibly on the brink of it) but watching it happen to those I know and love, raises questions in my mind of God’s goodness and love for us.  I know that sounds awful and probably immature, but I think everyone has these doubts and questions sometime in their life; and  at some point (maybe multiple points) we have to seek out the answers.  We have to push through the pain and negative thinking and find out really who God is.

I think suffering is hard.  I don’t understand it.  I know it’s a reality.  I know that the Bible is full of stories of people that suffered and I find some solace in that.  But when I’m on the verge of possibly losing my home, or trying to figure out how to see the doctor without insurance, it’s a lot harder to remain hopeful.  The suffering I’ve encountered in my life so far, has brought me closer to the one who created me.  But it doesn’t start that way.  Unfortunately, I never  immediately default to trust and hope and joy. I seem to go through anger and sulking and doubt, and sometimes rage before I’m ready to chill out and learn something.

So, my thoughts are a big jumble right now and I’ll have to process through some of it in a private post before I let you all in on it.  :)

I’d love to be able to rock it like Brandi Carlile.

Enjoy.

Today is a pivotal day in our life.  Tim will either meet goal at work; or he’ll come home without a job.

A little history:

Tim and I have been married 12 years.  All of those 12 years, including the 3 that we dated, were in vocational ministry.  It’s all we’ve ever known.  In September of this year, for many reasons I won’t go into, Tim resigned from his pastoral position at the church he’d been working at for 5 years.  We expected to move right into another church and continue along on this path we thought was so clearly marked for us.

We couldn’t have been more wrong.  There weren’t any jobs, ministry or otherwise, that opened up for 5 months.  He worked for his brother to make ends meet, but we were starting to wonder how this was going to work out.  Those months of searching for a job, also included some soul searching for both of us.  (Isn’t that the way it usually works though?)  I can’t get into all that yet, as I’m still working through the process, but I’m finding that God is so much bigger than I ever imagined.

In February, Tim was hired by Zillow as an inside sales consultant. And we began a brand new page in our lives.  The learning curve has been steep for Tim and for 2 months, he  worked his tiny little hiney off for very little return.  I must add here that I’ve never been more proud of him and I’m convinced more than ever that Tim can do anything he puts his mind to.  He is such a hard working man!  Although he wasn’t meeting goal, he’s been improving each month and getting the hang of selling.  He’s improved so much this month, that his boss gave him more time to meet goal.  But the deadline is today. And the thing is, he’s within reach.  He could totally do it today.  He’s got some big deals in the pipeline, but they just need to come through today.

And so I sit here.  Anxious. Excited. Hopeful. Nervous.  And completely unsure of what our future holds.

It’s a crazy place to be.  A place that I’ve found myself in more often than I (who likes to feel safe and secure and prefers things not to change) care to be.  But it’s amazing how past experiences can prepare you for future challenges.  And though the risks are high and the potential to be out of a job, and therefore out of a house, are very possible; I find myself ok with it (at this moment. tomorrow may be another story).

And though I’m not convinced that all of this is “God’s will for my life”.  I am convinced that God is always with me.  That He hears my cries.  That He loves me.  And that I can learn from any situation.

And so, with that in my back pocket, I’ll wait (and silently plead that Tim meets goal).

Until 5:30, to know which direction we’ll be heading in next.

Oh. My. Word.

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*Updated 6/14/11*

To conclude the above post, Tim was just short of goal that day, but was given another 2 weeks to to try and reach it (his boss liked him). But He just couldn’t do it.

Tim is looking for work again. Ugh.

I can button my favorite jeans, but I REALLY should not be wearing them. You know what I’m talking about.  They’re on, but they look different; they feel different; and there are bulges that weren’t there before.

My arms now have a layer of fat that has never been there before.

They used to the best part of my body. This is not the case today.

I will no longer be indulging in entire boxes of cookies.

My coffee will no longer contain half and half (this is a much bigger deal than it sounds).

I’m competing in the Warrior Dash in July and started training last week.  I’m going to include in that training some healthier eating habits.

Goal: Lose 15 pounds and look like a Warrior by July 17th.

Ready, set, go!

The other night my son said the f-word. He learned it from a substitute teacher who was telling another student it’s never ok to say f**k.

Nice.

He didn’t seem to know what a horrible word it is.  He just said, “I think she said fut. No, she said f**k.” Just like that; he said it.

Tim and I both burst out laughing (we are terrible parents).

Then, of course, we told him why he can never use that word again.

The new time suck in my life is pinterest.  I spend mass quantities of time on there and justify it by saying it’s helping me organize my dreams.

It really is.

We’re enjoying this memorial day with the Pioneer Woman’s cinnamon rolls and coffee and pj’s… it’s the greatest day ever!

And I’m working on not being the worst blogger ever.

I love this song, The Cave by Mumford and Sons.  The lyrics are posted below.

Just as if I were at a skating party; I dedicate this song to Tim.

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s hand

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Psalm 33

But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
¹⁹ to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

²⁰ We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
²² May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

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I’m so glad I know the Maker’s hand.